Letters of Import: Thirst of the Soul 14

Letters of Import: Private Writings to a Psychoanalyst
Thirst of the Soul 14
Written by Jennifer Kiley
Illustrated by j. kiley
First Published March 19th 2013
Published Early Tuesday AM
Fourteenth Posted June 18th 2013

Tuesday, January 1st, 2008
New Year’s Day

Dear Annie,

I didn’t realize how much you effected me. Not seeing you for two weeks has felt unbearable, Missing you, I expected. But not this strongly. It feels awful. I’m beginning to feel depressed. Scottie is away. She’s coming back tonight. Working on our film, my screenplay, her directing. My part is finished but it needed some extra touches editing. The director decisions for final cut were mandatory. It’s going to be a great film. Story is being kept hush-hush but it is about a writer who finds a briefcase filled with money. She has written an excellent book that keeps getting rejected. Publishers turn her work away and market trending shit from people that will bring in the millions and last a month. She’s losing her confidence. Now, she has this money. Has no idea who it belongs to and isn’t sure what to do. What would most people do in these circumstances? That is where the film goes into the realm of the strange and dangerous.

Films, screenplays and writing are my first love. I keep my writing edge with poetry. It helps me work through my feelings. And clears away the pain. I’ll write a poem for you. When you become my analyst I’ll show it to you. I’ll put it with this letter. My feelings for you need an outlet and don’t want to scare you away. My nature is filled with an intense passion. Feelings overwhelm me. I try to put them into my art. I am a bit afraid for you to know my feelings for you. Let me explain.

This therapist who treated me made what I felt into something that was ugly and that love is bad, which makes me feel innately bad. All my life my feelings have been corrupted and this fucking therapist totally fucked me up more. Now I don’t trust anyone with how I feel. Not even myself.

I hope you will understand me. Nothing is wrong with feeling love or attraction for another person. It is part of everyone’s nature. Like loving animals for me. They communicate realness. Humans don’t. I think what I feel is good. Sharing joy and happiness should be ok. Somehow it has become perverse. My abusers destroyed those feelings in me. One would expect better to come from a psychotherapist.

You, I feel I can trust. No fears. You’re open. You don’t turn away from nightmares. You don’t seem to be afraid of love..

I believe that love and sex are two separate sources of energy. They can be expressed separately. They don’t need the other to exist. Love and sex are different energies. Sex is a momentary release of a physical reaction. Love is all intensive and can fill you up continually.

When someone tells you they love you, it creates a wonderful feeling or it should. What I am trying to say is your absence makes me feel more intensely. I miss having contact with you. I feel agitated without you around. I get overwhelmed with pain, physical and emotional, when I can’t be near you. It feels kind of maddening. I think I am becoming rather attached. It’s a real problem. It is difficult to think about you. I know it will be alright once you return. Just need to be patient.

If we work together, maybe someday, then I will be able to tell you this in person. It’s like looking at the sun without a filter, it burns out your sight. Am I too sensitive or open. It feels like we crash together like magnets that have been turned up to full power? I just don’t understand.

I will have to write more about this in future letters. Maybe, I will find some answers.

See you again SOON. No more writing. Can’t think. Too confusing.

Happy New Year Annie.

Fondly & In PAIN,
Madison

Madison Tayler’s Fantasy of Annie Haskell’s Office as her Psychoanalyst

Maksim — Somewhere In Time — Theme Song #1 For “Letters of Import”

a flower of many colours-this is for you

Thirst of the Soul
By Madison Taylor
December 27th 2007

Sorrow.
Broken hearts.
Rawness.
Burning tears.
Dark holes for escape.
Understanding.
Listener to listen.
Take the edge off without useless drugs.
Soothing sounds of trust
Comforting support.
Taking the burden away.

Relief.
Release.
Clearness of mind to hold onto.
Offering.
Will lift up spirit.
Always in the wings.
Great lift off.
Flying.
Soaring above the clouds.
Above the storm.

Love offered freely.
Never going away.
Vent the rage.
Explode.
Cry tears of pain.
No burning.
Tears of water
To feed the thirst of the soul.
Water the trees.
The flowers.
The love awaits.
Given freely.
Arms waiting to hold.
Embrace a heart so raw.
Love with softness and warmth.
Remember time does not count.
It is all relative.
Come when ready.
Arrival time open.
Love Always.

© madison taylor 2007

Cris Williamson — Song of the Soul — Theme Song #14 For “Letters of Import: Miss You So Much More 14

the labyrinth called “wandering wonderland.” it is where madison, scottie and their cats mikey, toker and patrick love to escape to

madison’s “woods of imagination” where she takes long walks to reflect. it starts just past the labyrinth

le chateau de rocher is the home of madison and scottie & their three cats sparky toker & patrick

madison’s study/library

scottie’s study library

front foyer and staircase

cinema & multi-media room

Maksim — Somewhere In Time (Quotations by Rumi-Theme Song #2 for “Letters of Import”

QUOTATIONS from: LETTERS of IMPORT: Private Writings to a Psychoanalyst

“A Dream

The beginning always starts out with a dream.
It is all a dream
And we are all players
In our own nightmares”
— Madison Taylor

“For that fine madness still he did retain,
Which rightly should possess a poet’s brain.”
~Michael Drayton~
(1563-1631)

“Who ever loved that loved not at first sight?”
Christopher Marlowe for “Hero and Leander”

“A therapeutic relationship is often more psycho-emotionally intimate than a marriage, or a romantic attachment. I know things about my patients that they would never dream of revealing to their spouses or families. Why is that? One word — trust. If you do not have a connection with a therapist, you cannot trust them. If you do not have trust, you will not expose yourself, and if you do not expose your innermost being, what good is the therapy?” — unknown but ask any great therapist

“Men have called me mad, but the question is not yet settled, whether madness is or is not the loftiest intelligence…whether much that is glorious–whether all that is profound–does not spring from disease of thought…” — Edgar Allan Poe

QUOTATIONS on MISS YOU SO MUCH MORE:

“If the portraits of our absent friends are pleasant to us, which renew our memory of them and relieve our regret for their absence by a false and empty consolation, how much more pleasant are letters which bring us the written characters of the absent friend.” ― Héloïse d’Argenteuil, The Letters of Abélard and Héloïse

“It was going to be a long, dark night but not quite as dark as it was in the abyss of his heart where there was nothing but hollowness, yet it felt heavy, almost as if someone still resided there.” ― Faraaz Kazi

“Do you know what the mathematical expression is for longing? … The negative numbers. The formalization of the feeling that you are missing something.” ― Peter Høeg, Smilla’s Sense of Snow

“Do you think everybody misses somebody? I believe, sometimes, that the whole world has an aching heart.” ― Kate DiCamillo, Because of Winn-Dixie